productive procrastination

Having my computer at work is a dangerous thing. I always come with the highest expectations of starting papers and finishing homework, and then suddenly I've spent three hours online shopping and checking all my social media 15,000 times....because that is so necessary and productive. This morning my website of choice was Pinterest. While I am not going to try and argue that this was a valuable use of my time, I really did find a lot of inspiration as I was flipping through the different boards. Between all the completely unreasonable clothing items, unrealistic wedding dreams, and delicious recipes that I will never be able to make, there were a lot of quotes/songs/pictures that show the hope that other people see and use in their everyday lives. Naturally, I thought I would share :)

I love, love, love this quote and I think it is so important for everyone to remember. People will not always remember what we do or say, but they will remember how we make them feel. Everyone has the opportunity to make or break someone else's day, so be good to people.

This is something that I saw and was instantly brought to tears because I truly have never looked at loss this way. And it is such a beautiful way to look at it. I am a firm believer that lost loved ones are with us always, they will always be a part of who I am and who I will be. I love the thought of them as my little link to heaven. 

This next quote is something that I have to remind myself of every single day. It is so easy for me to get impatient, especially when I am having a bad day. I can't tell y'all how many times I have thought "when are things going to get better?" I know my time will come though, I know things will eventually get easier. I just have to stay focused on the fact that just because things are hard now, they won't always be. Timing is everything

Finally, my favorite picture that always makes me smile. I don't care if you are not a dog or a baby person, this picture is adorable. And a little reminder that laughter and smiles can unite everyone. Also a smile can make someones day :) I hope everyone has an incredible and hopeful weekend! And if your week hasn't been the best, hang in there. Your time will come, things will get better. 

"Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance" 

everything's gonna be alright

So it is official, I survived the endless week that I never thought I would make it through. It wasn't easy and I am thanking God everyday that it is over, but I once again was able to make it through thanks to the love and support that surrounds me. The amount of phone calls, supportive texts, and chocolate (sweets) I received last monday was so much that it brought me to tears many times, and I honestly will never be able to thank you all enough. I am seriously blessed beyond imagine to have such a strong and incredible group surrounding me to hold me up when I can't do it on my own anymore. I knew this anniversary was going to be the hardest for me, and I wasn't wrong. Monday sucked, it sucked a lot, and Tuesday pretty much sucked too. But it has been a week and I am finally starting to feel like myself again. I never stop missing Michaela and with her all the other angels we have lost this past year, but I know I have to keep going because that is what she they would want. 

Amongst the outpouring of support I received all week was a song link that a friend of mine sent me, which has now become my "theme song" for the rest of this month. I will be the first to admit that I have my doubts about Justin Bieber. My little sister as well as many of my girlfriends are obsessed, but I have never really been able to get into it. This song though is perfect and happy and just makes me smile. And let's be honest, sometimes we all need a little extra something to make us smile. Its been my go to when I am feeling down all week long.

I hope everyone is having a blessed, happy week and finding hope in everything! :)

milestones.

If someone were to ask me what I wore yesterday or even what I ate for breakfast, I would have no idea. I have the worst memory and I am the queen of mentally blocking myself from things I don't want to remember. Bad dates, failed tests, nights gone wrong, conversations ending in tears; no recollection. Honestly, I use my lack of memory as a coping mechanism. It is really great sometimes NOT to be able to remember every embarrassing, sad, or difficult moment. But one day stands out in my memory so vividly, one day that no matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to shake.

I remember everything about September 17, 2011. I remember what I wore and that I went outside with my hair wet only to realize that it was the first chilly day of fall. I remember who I spoke to, what I had for lunch, and that my best friends surprised me by buying me coffee that morning. I remember that I was supposed to be at the Al Maguire Run but that I had slept through my alarm. I can tell you that I changed my outfit three times that day, that I got lost trying to drive downtown to dinner, and I can recite to you every conversation I had that day. But what I remember most was the tearful phone call from my baby sister, the three words that literally stopped my world, "Kels, Michaela died."

Since Michaela has died, every milestone has been a hardship. First we counted the weeks, and every saturday I would wake up with a heavy heart knowing that it had been one more week since she had left us. And then months passed until all of the sudden it was 2012, a year that Michaela would never live in. Now we're about to approach the one year milestone, and I'm honestly speechless. I remember sitting in my room after the phone call and thinking there is no possible way I could do this anymore, and now all of the sudden I have willed myself through an entire year of having to live without Michaela.

Michaela was one of those people that everyone loved. Brutally honest, she had a way of making me laugh even if I didn't want to. My entire senior year is filled with memories of us spending our lunch hour together with our friends, and constantly leaving the room in tears because I had been laughing so hard. I wish I would have embraced it more back then, I wish I would have kept in touch better after we left for school. Coming up on this huge milestone has made me think so much about everything she has missed, everything she will never get. I wish I could tell her how everything turned out. During our special "C" lunches we used to all just sit and talk about our problems. I wish I could tell her that it all worked out, that my mom's better than ever after the accident, that I love Marquette, and that after she passed away I spent an incredible year with the boyfriend she never thought would work out. I wish I could go back to that last Facebook message she sent me, and tell her how much she meant to me. I wish I would have known that was the last time we would talk, because I have a lot I never got to tell her.

The truth is, I miss her everyday. Yes milestones are harder, but when I wake up on the 17th I am not going to miss her anymore than I did on the 16th or will on the 18th. Everyday without her sucks. After she passed away everyone told me it gets easier with time, but a year later I am not really seeing how it gets easier. I still want to rewind the clock, I still wake up wishing that this has all been a nightmare, I still turn on my phone or computer expecting a message from her. I don't know when it gets easier, I don't know when the missing her stops. But I do agree with everyone on one thing, everything happens for a reason. I am struggling with that statement now more than ever, but I know something more has to come from this. I know something good has to come from all this loss, all this bad. So even though all I want to do for the next week until this year milestone comes is sit in bed and cry, I am going to get up every morning and keep looking for that reason in all of this. Because anyone who knew Michaela knows she would have some sarcastic comment and be pissed if she found out I was feeling sorry for myself. 

My thoughts and prayers are with her family and closer friends this week, as they always are. My lunch time with Michaela is something I will always cherish, but I do know that she had closer friends, and I cannot even imagine what they are going through this week, what they have went through this year. I do know that we are all so lucky to have known her though, to have had time with her, even if it was cut way too short.

Rest in Paradise beautiful angel, can't wait to see you again on the other side <3

awareness

The color yellow has always been my favorite and anyone who has ever walked into my room would know that, between the yellow blankets, pillows, and other random accents. The brightness and cheeriness of the color has always made me love it, but this week the color yellow holds an entirely different meaning.

 September is awareness month for Childhood Cancer and this week is Suicide Prevention week. Both of these causes are represented by a bright yellow ribbon. For those of you who don't read my blog on a weekly basis, last year I lost several friends to both cancer and suicide. My personal and emotional pull towards these causes are making me think extra hard this week about how important it is for people to be more aware and educated about these tragedies. This week is also helping me to reflect on how much I have changed in the last year. Last September, this week wouldn't have meant anything to me. Now I find myself fighting back tears every time I see a yellow ribbon, or Love written on someone's arm. 

So this week I will be sporting even more yellow than usual, and I hope many of you will join me in doing so. My thoughts and prayers are with anyone currently enduring a battle related to either cancer or suicide. I miss my friends, every minute of every day. I wish I would have known more about childhood cancer and suicide before. I wish the reason I knew so much about it now was different. But I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I don't understand or like the reason all the time, but I know there is one. If my friend's stories can help anyone through something they are enduring, that is a reason. If Awareness and Prevention weeks even help to inform just one person, that is a reason.

And a special prayer in remembrance of all those lives lost 11 years ago today, for the families and friends who lost their loved ones, and for the men and women who are still fighting overseas to protect our country. Thank you.