"once you choose hope, anything is possible"

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

a new kind of happiness

"but the struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise. and happiness has its own way of takin' it's sweet time"
 
It's crazy to me how so many things can change in just one year. 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days, and I can barely recognize the girl I was 1 year ago. As I finish my junior year of college, I am once again at a loss for words about how fast the time flies by. I cannot believe that I have finished another year in college and that I am going to be a senior. Part of me feels like it was only yesterday that I was moving into Schroeder and meeting my FFP roommate. This week though the bigger part of me is reflecting on how things were for me last May and is incredulous that it was only a year ago.
 
There is this horrible wonderful genious (the jury is still out) app that I have on my phone called Time Hop. Basically it links with all of your social media sites and shows you what you posted in the years previous on that same exact day. Usually it's pretty cool to see the things you were doing 4 years previous: the friends you were hanging out with, the songs you liked, the pictures you took.... but sometimes its a weird feeling to think about how things were and how much they have changed. Between Time Hop and old blog posts it has become really apparent to me that things are drastically different than they were a year ago.
 
Last year at this time I was returning home from ending my sophomore year of college and finally feeling like things were really good. I wrote a blog post about overcoming the homesickness and my lack of love for Marquette. I posted about finally falling in love with my college and not being able to wait until I got to move into my apartment and stay in Milwaukee for the summer. Last year at this time I was watching my little sister graduate and get ready to come to Marquette with me. I was helping my family move out of our Texas home and start a new adventure in Philadelphia. I was deeply and madly in love with my high school sweetheart and I was getting ready to say goodbye to him, knowing that I would see him in a couple weeks. Last year at this time I remember being so so happy, and obviously being really annoying about it on social media. I'm kind of kicking myself for that this week. I keep opening my Time Hop every morning and seeing how great things were and, because I can't help it, thinking about everything that has changed in the last 365 days.
 
Don't get me wrong, I love my life right now. I have amazing friends, two jobs I adore (most of the time), a family that I got to see last weekend, and I am getting ready to spend my summer in Milwaukee, Rome, and then I get to go home. So I am happy, really really happy. But it's not the kind of happy I expected to be, and I can't help but feel a little pang of sadness everytime I think about how I expected my life to turn out 1 year ago today. I planned on spending this summer in Texas with Kyle. I was supposed to have one more semester of school before starting to student teach. I wasn't supposed to be going abroad because I had so much back here that I wasn't able to leave.
 
So things are weird (understatement of the year). I am looking at pictures and reading the things I wrote a year ago and I recognize the girl that wrote them, but I don't know that anyone who has met me in the last month would. Same smile, same sarcastic tone in my writing, and still trying to figure out how to find my way in this crazy world, but definitely a much diffferent person. I guess I'm still trying to figure out whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.